introduction
Nothing's ever built to last.
Sunday, April 25, 2010 @ 8:15 AM
Dear Marko, how have you been?
It's been 4 days since you've left me, and life at home seems so mundane without you.
I still have the habit of opening the door slowly whenever i come home, because silly you always stood too close to the door whenever you knew i was coming back.
I'm sorry I never got to tell you my last words, what i really wanted to tell you. I was afraid of seeing you, I was afraid that you would just leave me halfway.
Mom never told me you were gone till three days later when i messaged her asking about you, because she thought I had already said my last words to you. Fact is, I have yet to start.
You know, Dad wanted me to tell you that he loved you, and that he never forgot you. But I guess it's all too late now. I just wished you knew. I wanted to tell you how great you were these 8 years. You never failed to cheer me up whenever I felt down. You always knew, even when nobody did. You always rested your head on my thigh, snuggling together with me in the room. You weren't the best smelling dog, but i still loved you all the same. You always licked up my tears whenever i cried alone. You wore diapers towards the last year of your life, for you couldn't help but pee all around the house. It made you stink more, but i loved you all the same.
Whenever you slept in my room with a diaper filled with pee, the stench always woke me up, but i loved you all the same. You used to shit in my room, sometimes even on my bag and stuff, but i loved you all the same. My heart feels so empty now. Do you know how much i miss you? Every day i come home, wishing it was just a dream, and that you'll be there, right behind the door, welcoming me home.
That very day i came home, you were there, but you were weak. Maybe I haven't realised, but that day, I saw that you were old, and could hold on no longer. I wept, because I knew you wouldn't stay long. You still managed to walk me to my room and laid with me on the floor. The next few days you just kept sleeping, hardly even eating.
Then one day i came home and saw mom carrying you, and i asked if you were gone. She said you were sleeping like a baby, so peaceful. I cried. Mom said you were almost gone in your sleep earlier that day, but woke up time and time again, as though you didn't want to leave. Mom said maybe you were waiting for me. I cried harder. Fact is, I just didn't want you to leave. We didn't bear to send you to the vet, because we could see you trying so hard to hang on. The next few days whenever I walked pass mom's room, i stopped for 5 seconds to make sure you were breathing, before going to my room.
Then a few days later, I didn't see you in the room anymore. I thought to myself, maybe she placed you at the corner of the room where i couldn't see. Fact is, I was just to afraid to know the truth. Then three days later I couldn't hold on any longer. I had to know. Then, before i knew it, Mom told me you were gone. I had so many things i wanted to say. But i guess it's all too late now. You left on wednesday, and Thursday you left me with a dream. I dreamt that in the dream you were able to talk, and told me you could hold on no longer. You stood up to hug me, and we spent the day together. In my dream when I woke up, I told all my friends that i had to be home tonight in case you left. Fact is, you were already gone, and i found out only days later. I feel guilty for not being able to be there when you left. I felt devastated. I was angry with Mom for not telling me. I just had so much things i wanted to say. Now i feel as though everything is stuck inside me, it's all too late to say it now. Can you hear me from there? I wonder if you know that i miss you dearly, I wonder if you know what i want to say to you.
I guess no other dog can ever be like you. Sleeping till your head touched the floor. hah. One that's always so gentle. You always licked off food from my hand before biting, as you were afraid you would accidently bite me. You were always bullied, even by cats. Haha, aren't you such a weakling! But i loved you all the same.
Do you remember years back when you had this little lamb toy that you loved so much. You practically chewed off its eyes and nose, leaving it looking a little absurd. You always loved ransacking my dustbin, ever since years ago. It sometimes gave you tummyaches, and we had to send you to the vet. Whenever you took those medicine, you would always fart, and boy did those farts stink! But i loved you all the same.Now I wish you would come back, this time not to hear about my ramblings about school, but to hear my last words for you. i love you boy. i'll always do.
